Meg here! We will be doing Sweetassgal’s post very soon but I wanted to touch on a universal product that is delivered to us daily-“Hi there, feeling good? Well you shouldn’t. You really are terrible. I mean…How could you? No, really, how could you?”
Hi! My name is Meg and I’m a GUILTAHOLIC. I just made the term up but it may already be out there as the condition is quite prevalent between us feeling ladies.
“I would do it for you” O.K. Done, I’ll do it for you. “It’s not my fault” I’ll believe you and help you…I’m not doing this anymore. There is a balance between friend and doormat and I’m still learning it. I’m not great at this lesson. It has taken “friend” after “friend” to step on me for money, connections, opportunities-everything really before I see the light. Usually once I see the “light” I have lost tens of thousands of dollars in pay-off creep-ola dues. Thankfully, through all of the stress and money I have not lost my life. Yes, it can happen.
My parents were never great examples to me on how to treat people. Even at a young age I remember thinking “this is pretty wrong.” I have always tried to be a conscious adult to be generous, to do favors and to just treat people how I would like to be treated. I believe now the term is “overcompensating.”
Not only have I been trying to right every wrong in my life but I have been trying to make up for all the wrongs my parents did. I just can’t anymore.
When I “feel bad” I now have to step back and examine “why do I feel bad for the choices this person made in their life?”
It’s not easy. I’m not Jesus and I have no business pretending I am. Maybe it was all of the Sunday School classes. Sweetheart I am 33 and I understand why Jesus died for all of our sins at my age…It was the flipping ulcers we gave him! Seriously, nail me to a cross before I need to send you checks, house you and just generally take you under my wing. The birds pecking at my flesh would be the same sensation.
Is it a strange sensation to have guilt while knowing you’re a good person? Yes, it is. We all know we do the best we can but sometimes we just can’t sleep soundly. Adam Goldstein died this week. Professionally he was known as DJ AM. I read all of the comments that were left on his death on Defamer and other websites and they angered me. “Crackie had enough money to get help.” Was written by anonymous people that have no clue.
Money doesn’t buy a nights rest, fame doesn’t erase guilt. Plane crashes don’t evaporate. Almost every night I wake up in a sweat over my Martin and wonder what I could have said or done differently. The answer…Absolutely nothing.
Guilt is a driving force and in an email, obtained by RadarOnline.com, is dated October 19, 2008.
“Man this is almost too much for me to handle right now,” Goldstein, known as DJ AM, wrote.
“I had no idea how the survivors guilt could have felt. I’m a mess though man. I just hope time will fix this depressed feeling asap,” he continued.
“I can’t go on being this miserable.”
I have emails from Adam-I will never publish them. I’m not saying they were scandalous-they’re so so not. They are just friend to friend emails that never mean a thing until one friend is gone. He was a wonderful, upbeat and funny guy. The world lost a true shining light and I 100% believe there was survivor’s guilt that propelled this amazing person to start to self medicate to deal with the pain.
I know I get overwhelmed with pressure and the thoughts that I need to “take care of everyone.” I know my friend and I shared the thoughts of the guilt of the survivor. I’m not a better or more evolved person, if I were next to Martin and I lived…Well, I don’t think that would have been attainable.
Since I have read of the passing of Adam I have said a prayer. I think it’s really the prayer for all of us. We need to stop taking on all of the world’s challenges and just take 40 seconds of a deep breath for ourselves…
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Let your guilt go! What have you done to let yourself off this ridiculous hook!