Jeanasina here! A few days ago I went to my dermatologist a.k.a. Dr. I-Can-Remove-All-Travesties-On-Your-Skin-With-The-Use-Of-Diabolical-Implements! I have a really great and well known dermatologist that I trust implicitly and go to for all skin issues. I have about 10 friends who also think he is the best of the best! He’s honest, direct and if you want something taken care of , he’s on it. If you have an unusual skin growth, without hesitation, he will open up his shirt and say “Look! I have one of those too!” and then assures you that it’s nothing but he can remove it if you want to get it off. He told me that he has one patient that comes in once a year with about 50 growths on his back and all he ever wants is for the doctor to LOOK at them and make sure they are not cancerous. Satisfied that they are still healthy growths, he goes back home again. Not once has he ever said he wanted them OFF! Well ladies, I can tell you, that I don’t like ‘things’ growing under my skin. I touch them obsessively and worry them unconsciously and check the size of them daily!
As you know, I recently lost my job so before my insurance runs out I thought I better go see my skin guy so I can have him get hacking on the various types of barnacles and other atrocities that seem to have been mysteriously growing on my body over night! I came to my appointment armed with a child like drawing of myself on which I had drawn DOTS all over it starting with my face all the way to behind my knees so he wouldn’t miss even one of those skin interlopers! Every day that I checked my skin and found anything new, I would add a dot to my drawing to indicate the exact location of the ‘skin creature’ lurking in those spots. I wanted all those suckers OFF OF ME and I wanted to be sure I wouldn’t forget about even one of them! I brought to his surgical table a combination of melia and non-cancerous skin growths!
He looked at my stick figure drawing with the big head and proceeded to work from the bottom to the top of me! I had a couple of small growths behind my knees as well as those pesky melia which had hidden there for some time. The worst was my forehead, just under my hairline – there were about 8 skin growths on one side of my forehead and about 5 on the other and of course a couple right about center on my forehead! I even had a little growth on my hand! I had 2 small and one marble size melia on my eye lid! The worst scream worthy discovery was that I had one growth inside my ear! Somebody kill me! My girlfriend looked at it and said “Holy Shit!”
Anyway, with the help of my doctor’s lovely understanding nurse, who’s hand I held for dear life, one by one I allowed my doctor to excise the devil creatures that had grown on my skin! He had three methods of treatment for my beautification enjoyment! The first was Liquid Nitrogen used to FREEZE the skin lumps that he felt would die and fall off eventually (these were not warts he told me). The 2nd was removal of the melia. For the melia he takes a razor like object and says in a firm voice “DO NOT MOVE!!!!” Then he makes a slit in the center of the melia and then uses a needle to eject the sand like pebble living inside the melia! Allow me to tell you that as I lay prone on his surgeon’s platform and just as he was coming towards MY EYELID with his horror show metal objects – I was making a keening sound as I clung to his nurses hand! I am so squeamish about my eyes so knowing he was going to make a slit in the eyelid…SOOOO absolutely out of my comfort zone!!!! The third and most un-fun portion of my appointment was when he got out the Novocaine needle and stuck in my hairline! “HOLY SHIT!” I’m pretty sure I said that! Then he numbed the thing up and used his burning stick to kill the thing on my head. My story was just about over when I realized he was going to stick the Novocaine needle inside my ear so he could burn that lump of badness living in there! At that point I really started to sweat and the very idea of a needle in my ear was more than I could tolerate but he kept saying “You want that thing out don’t you?” I said, “Yes” with trembling lips. Then…well, I think his nurse is probably in the hospital because I’m pretty sure I TORE HER ARM OFF the minute he put that needle in my ear!
When he was done, his nurse used several cloths dipped in blood stopping coagulant so I wouldn’t be bleeding all over his office. I sat up, white as a sheet and shook his hand and THANKED HIM for removing the spawns of Satan from my skin.
I took the bus home from my appointment and when I got home I looked in the mirror and I can tell you this…the look I am currently sporting CLEARLY tells people that SOMEBODY – a very bad somebody – must have put their cigarettes out on my forehead! That’s totally what it looks like! My husband said “Wow Dear – That must have really hurt!” Damn right it did! But as bad as I look, I am SO happy that every one of those things are off of my body! In a month or so all these blisters are going to heal and even if they leave marks – I can handle a mark more than a creepy growth.
I’m going to do a follow-up blog on melia’s soon, so stay tuned!
How about you ladies? Does it give you the willies to have something that doesn’t belong there on or under your skin?